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A Warning to Those Wanting to Watch Slender Man (spoilers)

New horror movie "Slender Man" released Aug. 10 with a PG-13 rating.

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OPINION BY Gabe Lyden, Staff Writer

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You may remember the whole Slender Man craze that took over the internet. Now, five years past the point of relevancy, we have been given a “gift” by the out of touch Hollywood executives: A movie based on the urban legend aptly called Slender Man. Now the question is: “Is it good?”  

No. No, it’s not. In fact, I’ve never seen a movie miss the mark in so many different areas and have absolutely zero self-awareness before this. 

The Story

Slender Man follows the lives of four teenage girls who talk like they’re doing an impression of what an elderly man thinks the youth sounds like. They get together and go for some tried-and-true underage drinking in a friend’s basement. They hear of a scary video on the internet and decide that, because the boys are planning on watching it, they must as well. After watching The Ring-lite they summon Slender man and the “horror” starts.  

Once they begin to see shadows and hear spooky noises they all start to think that maybe something is wrong. This takes us to a field trip in a cemetery where the hostess of the aforementioned underage kickback stares at a tree too hard and disappears.  

The other girls get together shortly after to summon Slender Man… again-in the forest this time. There’s a catch though, you can’t open your eyes when you summon Slender Man, but one girl does, it being a horror movie and all, then proceeds to strangle herself.  

Two girls remain, but one leaves because she’s suddenly in a relationship now, even though there was no prior setup at all for that. The only character who has the capacity to recognize danger goes to a library and learns by some vague internet searches that the Slender Man is a “bio-electric being,” don’t worry that’s not at all important to the actual plot. 

After what was the funniest scene in the movie the girl who left to engage in nonspecific romantic activities remembers that there’s a monster trying to kill her and reunites with discount Nancy Drew to fix things. The detective gets a Skype call from the Slender Man and is killed, but not before the only surviving girl learns her sister is in danger.  

She decides that the only way to save her sister is to sacrifice herself, so she goes into the forest, turns into a tree and it ends with narration by her sister about how we’re too connected to the internet… or something-the end. 

The Effects

The Special effects in this movie are certainly something to behold.  

If I hadn’t seen this in theaters, I would have guessed it was released in the late 90s. The CGI is at best distracting and at worst hilarious. The hallucinations the characters experience in particular do an amazing job of completely derailing any and every scene they appear in.  

One part in particular reduced the audience to hysterical laughing and was easily worth the price of admission alone.  

The quality of the special effects range from Snapchat filter to video game and everything always seems really plastic-y.  

The camera work isn’t something I’ve ever had to complain about before. The director manages to make still shots look unprofessional; the movie opens with a pan that can’t even move at a consistent speed.  

There’s nothing interesting going on stylistically and the movie is interrupted by these bizarre spinning shots that seem like the director pulled the camera guy over and said “hey, you know what’d be cool?”  

The sound design is also very distracting, every time someone enters a forest it sounds like every square inch was covered in bubble wrap. The trees also creak very loudly, offering nothing but distracting background noise. The movie also uses that stock swamp bird noise, the one coming from an animal I don’t think exists.  

The music isn’t good, the ending scene where the Slender Man turns into a crab (even with context it still doesn’t make sense) comes to mind, it plays this welling emotional music that doesn’t really fit with the scene and that feeling never really goes away throughout the film. 

Consensus 

Now, should you watch this movie? Absolutely.  

It’s awful and as a horror movie fails in every regard, but I think this may be the best comedy of 2018.  

Get some people who are willing to waste their time and money and see Slender Man. Picking a terrible movie apart with friends is a great time and I feel that somehow, my money was well spent.  

Unfortunately, these movies are essentially fail-proof and will never flop, meaning we’ll have no shortage of awful movies in the future, but if you’re going to watch one, you might as well aim as low as possible. 

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A Warning to Those Wanting to Watch Slender Man (spoilers)